it's never like in the movies. is it?

I can't stand my own company. Can someone replace me, please?

fucking fuck.

Oh jesus, I love it so much. When I don't expect it at all and find something that fits me so well. I don't like that kind of music to be honest, but I fell in love with Lorde!

She's a genius.

What do you want from me?

 You can't miss something that you never had.

Right?

Ok, it might have happened. Now what?

I still wonder if that really happened.

 I feel surprisingly... calm. And to me it feels quite close to happy. I'm not trying to deal with my past. I'm trying to take care of my future. I don't know where I'm going and I constanly feel like something's missing, but... at least I keep going.

 This time will be different. I promised this to myself for a thousand times. But this time will be different. I feel it.

Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load

I'm too young to feel this old.

 Sometimes I see a movie like this, or read a book like this and for a little beautiful moment nothing matters. Thing that rolls my guts so much that I can't think about anything else for few hours or (when I'm lucky enough) even whole day. 
 It's not like I feel bad right now. At least I'm not miserable! I feel good with A. I like his arms. It's like... my favorite place in the world. And I like wasting time with him. I like that I don't have to talk. Because he knows I don't like it. And basicly he just knows me. Most of my flaws. And despite all of them, he still likes me. And even... even loves. Yes, I think he really does. And I like many, many things of him and our relationship. I just... I guess I'm still afraid of being happy. I was before and I can't forget what happened. How easily everything got fucked up. How in one moment I was so utterly happy I could almost fly and right in the next one I was so fucking broken I couldn't get up from bed. Again. I know that probably I'm not right. That if I would be less happy later (perchance) it would hurt less. I know this doesn't work that way. I just can't change it. Not now. And maybe I am a little bit miserable because I know it's not fair. I'm not fair. He deserves me to be happy with him. 

 I like doing nothing. I realised that even from this I can learn something new. And I can spend time on doing things I really like and don't have time usually. Like reading books or watching 5 movies in a row. US Open is coming up and I'll be able to watch it because I can stay so late! Oh my god, sometimes I wonder how much my life sucks that I'm excited about fact that I can stay up late because I don't have to do simply anything in the following day... But well, at least I'm really happy for those moments. I believe it's worth it. 

 Everything got fuck up. Like literally everything. High school, the only place where I felt like home came to an end, I 'finished' my therapy, I got kick out of 'my' group and my 'relationship' cracked into pieces. And so did I. 

 But after some time I realised that this is not the end of the world. None of it. And after all, end of high school was the worst thing. Because I know, I just know that I would never ever love such huge group of people like I loved my class. 

 I know that I'm stronger than that. I'm lazy, but I am strong. I have few days to figure out what I wanna study and then I would start everything again.

I woke up today and I realized - I'm Ted Mosby. I'm Ted fucking Mosby.

 It was so good. I were ok. I mean, I felt like crying a little bit during the ceremony on the assembly hall. But that was because those girls are so talented! Their voices gave me thrills and that was really touchy. And later, in class, I was moved that my gift have been welcomed so warmth. I gave them a collection of a words of wisdom - our teacher of physics from 1st and 2nd grade and they all were so glad about it! I was given hugs and they told me that that was the best idea I could get. I am so glad I did it! Later my tutor had a speech, but I don't like her and I guess she doesn't like me either so I wasn't moved at all. 
 But then, all my group (half a class - 17 people) went to my English teacher. We gave her flowers, bracelet and chocolate. She kissed us all and when she was kissing Kinga, Kinga bursted into tears. She came to her once again and she hugged her. Then she turned and moved to the staff room. But when she was next to me, my class president called her. When she turned to us, her eyes were wet. And I felt like this is really over. That's it. I would never ever have lessons with her again. And I cried. And every other girl cried. And I'm crying even now. 
 We went to the rest room and I burst into tears like a little baby. Really. I was in spasms. And I couldn't stop it. That was first school, first class that made me WANTED go to school. I loved them. Of course, not all of them. But they really became my family. You don't like each member of your family either. I looked at them today and I thought to myself that I really felt like home in school. For the first and last time. That was the best 3 years od my life. I changed so much. From depressed, alone, closed and distant I became nice, warm and happy. It's not only about the therapy. Whole high school was my therapy. I would miss it SO MUCH. 

I am both happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that can be.

stop analising you stupid fuck

 First I thought positively - that two hours is always more than none. But then... I know it's just stupid caption on a wall. I know. And I know that he is not the one who was drunk today. And I'm a little... insecure. But I will be happy of this. Of all he said today. Of all this time today.

I will be happy.

the sound of silence

 Hello Darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk to you again, because a vision softly creeping left its seeds while I was sleeping and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence.

 In restless dreams I walked alone. Narrow streets of cobblestone, 'neath the halo of a street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp. When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light that split the night and touched the sound of silence.

 And in the naked light I saw ten thousand people, maybe more... People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening, people writing songs that voices never share... And no one dared disturb the sound of silence.

 'Fools', said I. 'You don't know silence like a cancer grows. Hear my words that I might teach you, take my arms that I might reach you'. But my words like silent raindrops fell and echoed in the wells of silence.

 And the people bowed and prayed to the neon god they made. And the sing flashed out its warning in the words that it was forming. And the sign said 'The words of prophets are written on the subway walls and tenement halls'. And whisper'd in the sounds of silence.

fuuuuuuuuuuuck

 Ok, now I'm really fucking stressed. I don't know, I feel like I can't do it. Like I don't know the scenario, even though I wrote it myself. Like I've never played it right. I was afraid to lose myself. I still am. What if it'll back? What if this would make me worse? Ok, this is not exactly me. But I have to puke all of my emotions that have been stewed for so long so deep inside. And why now, when I'm finally feeling a little better? 

 Or maybe that's how it's suppose to be. Maybe it's high time to cure myself entirely. Maybe this will be my final treatment. Last goodbye. 

 It's last time for me. And I feel like crying. 4th and last time. When I came there for the first time, I was in junior high school and I had no idea how terrible I was at acting. Year later I came into the same place and nothing changed. I did nothing to change my miserable life. I swore to myself that in next year I will be standing in the same place with the feeling that I changed what I wanted to. I did something so my life would mean anything. To be at least a little happier. And I did. But this year... I went through real transformation. I am scared but I know I will go there and do the best I can. I will leave this place with sadness and happiness in the same time. Sadness because it will be the end. The end of my only journey. The journey I fell in love with. And with happiness because only end means something new. I DID something for myself. Only for myself. And no matter what will be the result, I will be different. And I know that's good.

second choice.

 That's the truth. I've always been the second choice and I always will be. I even understand why. I don't know the reason why people stay with me. I have no idea why A. and M. are still by my side. Now I see.

stupid girl not by Garbage nor by Alexz Johnson but by me.

 Does my dreams make stupid of me? I mean... It's nice. It's extremely nice. I didn't expect it at all. I believe that every woman on the earth should at least once in her life receive flowers delivered straight to her house. But not like that. It should make her happy, not miserable. 
 I did EVERYTHING I could to discourage him. E V E R Y T H I N G! And still... It's cute, but I can't change the way I feel. Or maybe... The way I don't feel. I'm sorry. I really am.

about to throw

 And I'm anxious again. I hate it. I fucking hate it when everybody around runs with smile upon their face and beloved person by their side. Because in those days my loneliness hits me like a fukcing train. It was quite good. Really. Maybe I wasn't really happy, but at last I wasn't unhappy! It's almost like happiness to me. And now, all these couples would remind me of how lonely I am. I know, I know. I could change that. I have some people who would want to change that, but now I understand that for all this time I just wasn't rady for any relationship. 
 And now... something has changed. It's different. I mean... I'M different. I smile. I smile because I feel like smiling. It's something brand new to me. Really. For the first time, school is full of life, not overwhelming. And... I feel right. About this. I like the feeling I get, when I smile at him and he smiles at me at the same moment. I like even the fact that I can't see people around him in the first moment. Because it's him. I haven't felt like this for such a long time... If not... ever. It was always so fucking dramatic. I was always being so fucking dramatic. I thought I look serious. Shit not serious. 
 I am a dreamer and even though I know my dreams, those of my dreams, will never come true, I will stay a dreamer!

life is suffer

 why can't I be happy? for one fucking moment! why?

fuck my life

 fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck. FUCK MY LIFE.

what if

 What if one day I state that I really did nothing of all the things I wanted to do? Mrs. D. says that if I wanna look at my life only in the aspect of successes like winning competitions I have lot more achievements than her. But what about all the rest? What about me in the aspect of MYSELF. I do underestimate things I have. I have a great friend. The best one. Even though we are totally different and sometimes we can drive each other crazy, I love her to death and I know she loves me back. I do have great mom and brother. I do have a few friends that I can count on. I have a dog that is always happy to see me. I have home, food, school. I just don't have strength to change my life. I don't have the strength to fight off my demons. To break the fear. The fear of abandonment. 

person I should have been

 This world I painted black
Just needs some color
And I’m gonna live my life like the other
Person I should have been

I ain’t tapping out, no no no no
To this dark and twisted dream
That’s kept me living
I pray to my soul
To keep this fire burning
And when it does
I’m gonna let it shine

I’ll make the best of this life I’ve got left
Got no time for no regrets
Gonna show you just what I can be
The person I should have been

And it might take time, take time
Cause this life has taken it right out of me, yeah
I wanna change my perspective of reality
Be a much better version of me
The person I should have been

I make the best of this life I’ve got left
I put my sincerity to the test
Wake up my senses finally
The water washes me clean

What shouldn’t have been has all been done
If I don’t get a grip
Then the world has won
Making me think that I’ll never be
The person I should have been

Who am I now?
A lonely man that’s fallen down
No I can’t change
The past, that time has all burned out
But I know somewhere inside of me
Is the person I could have been

Make the best of this life I’ve got left
I got no time for no regrets
Gonna show you just what I can be
The person I should have been

What shouldn’t have been has all been done
If I don’t get a grip
Then the world has won
Making me think that I’ll never be
The person I could have been

I said the person, person I could have been
Said the person, person I could have been
The person I could have been
I said the person, person I could have been

The person I could have been

HOW THE FUCK CAN HE BE SINGING MY LIFE?!

a whole life in my hands

 I was coming back from school yesterday. I got into the same bus as usual and after some time I noticed that there's a little bullfinch inside. He was so scared... Two guys got into the bus and one of them catched him. I thought that he would wait until the bus stop and he would let him go, but he just showed him to his friend and let him go at the bus again. Such an idiot. He flew to me. But I'm so fucking clumsy I wasn't able to catch him. He get away from me. I felt like it was my another failure. I decided that I won't get outside without him. One before last bus stop I went at the end of the bus and asked the girl if he was there. She said 'Yes, but I don't know if he would let you catch him". I tried. I was SO afraid I would hurt him. I had to press him a little to the window, but I managed to catch him. He was lying in my hands with no move. He had his eyes opened and I could feel his heart beating through my gloves. I thought 'I'm holding his whole life in my hands". I got outside and open my hands. He didn't want to go away. He trusted me. I knew I had to let him go. It's his nature - to be free. It shrugged me so much I was shaking all the way home.

A whole life in my hands.