Sometimes I see a movie like this, or read a book like this and for a little beautiful moment nothing matters. Thing that rolls my guts so much that I can't think about anything else for few hours or (when I'm lucky enough) even whole day. 
 It's not like I feel bad right now. At least I'm not miserable! I feel good with A. I like his arms. It's like... my favorite place in the world. And I like wasting time with him. I like that I don't have to talk. Because he knows I don't like it. And basicly he just knows me. Most of my flaws. And despite all of them, he still likes me. And even... even loves. Yes, I think he really does. And I like many, many things of him and our relationship. I just... I guess I'm still afraid of being happy. I was before and I can't forget what happened. How easily everything got fucked up. How in one moment I was so utterly happy I could almost fly and right in the next one I was so fucking broken I couldn't get up from bed. Again. I know that probably I'm not right. That if I would be less happy later (perchance) it would hurt less. I know this doesn't work that way. I just can't change it. Not now. And maybe I am a little bit miserable because I know it's not fair. I'm not fair. He deserves me to be happy with him. 

 I like doing nothing. I realised that even from this I can learn something new. And I can spend time on doing things I really like and don't have time usually. Like reading books or watching 5 movies in a row. US Open is coming up and I'll be able to watch it because I can stay so late! Oh my god, sometimes I wonder how much my life sucks that I'm excited about fact that I can stay up late because I don't have to do simply anything in the following day... But well, at least I'm really happy for those moments. I believe it's worth it.