just make me forget.

 I believe I shouldn't be seeing him. Everytime after our goodbye I think to myslef that... after all, he's able to put himself together and move on. And I'm still a mess. I'm still broken into thousands pieces. Maybe I have this written all over my face "BROKEN". That's the truth. I'm fucking broken. I'm so scared to get involve into... anything that I... Oh, god. I hate people. I hate them. 

 Everyone I got close to... just left me. Everyone. Z, K, M. That's why I never ask for help. Because I had to learn how to live on my own. How to get by on my own. No matter what, you can always count on you. Only.

my heart is broken

I will wander till the end of time

torn away from you

I pulled away to face the pain

I close my eyes and drift away

over the fear that I will never find a way to heal my soul

and I will wander till the end of time

torn away from you

My heart is broken

sweet sleep, my dark angel

deliver us from sorrow’s hold (over my heart)

I can’t go on living this way

But I can’t go back the way I came

chained of this fear that I will never find a way to heal my soul

and I will wander till the end of time

half alive without you

My heart is broken

sweet sleep, my dark angel

deliver us

Change

Open your eyes to the light

I denied it all so long, oh so long 

Say goodbye

Goodbye

it's ok to be scared

 Things are so easy to forget. That's why I write diaries. Since 2nd grade of primary school. I love going back to them. Read all things I wrote when I was 10, 13 and even a year ago. It seems so... I seem so different. Always. It reminds me that I was happy. And it keeps me believe that someday I will be happy again. There's a lot of things that can make me feel happier than I usually am. Like acting, singing, watching my stupid TV series. I'm in love with Degrassi. I watch it since I was... 12! Jesus, it's 6 years. 3rd generation. It's not real, but it became a part of my real life. I love really stupid ones like Gossip Girl or The Vampire Diaries. I watch GG only for Leighton Meester and Ed Westwick. They're... stunning. Esspecially her. The Vampire Diaries is the most stupid TV series I've ever seen. But the cast is so damn sexy! Ian Somerhalder, Paul Weasly (SPEAKING POLISH!), Michael Trevino, Steven R. McQueen, Zach Roerig, Joseph Morgan (and his accent), Nathaniel Buzolic and even Matthew Davis! How the fuck is it possible that they are all in one movie?! It's too much. There has to be like 10000 degrees! And now - Supernatural. JESUS CHRIST. HAVE YOU SEEN JENSEN'S LIPS?!?!?!? They're like fucking carved! And his eyes, sweet mother of jesus. And Sam - his responsibility and sagacity, wisdom... I'm madly in love with Dean, but I like Sam more. And I love to be scared. And I have to confess - these series have their moments... And it's really hard to scare me. 

 I love the light of setting sun. It makes world seem more magical. More beautiful. I'm scared. But now I know that it's ok to be scared. Everyone is afraid of something. "Fear is built-in into human and there is no sense in fighting it. Without fear we would be success animals. We shouldn't be ashamed of fear. It's as natural and necessary as amusement or pain. I have to learn to live with it." 

 Let's fade together.

 I stood on that leg and I just... fell over. It never happened before. I knew that there's something bad going on with this knee but... I never thought I would fell! 

 I am afraid of September. I'm afraid of the last class and... things are going back to normal. I don't want them to. I'm afraid of seeing J. I'm afraid of being among all of those people. I don't even like them. I love my class, but all the rest just... terrifies me. 

 It's over. There's two weeks left, but my holiday is over. I have to prepare myself to school. Like... mentally. Oh, fuck it.

 I thought it over. Maybe it's not the best idea, but... I loved him for 9 years. It's too much in my short life to just erase him. I don't love him anymore. But I don't hate him either. So maybe that's the best time to just stay friends.

 I started watching Supernatural. The main reason is - I don't really get the phenomenon of Jensen. But to be honest - I didn't get the phenomenon of Ed Westwick. And then I watched Gossip Girl. Each of episode. Mainly because Leighton and him. 

 I guess I've always felt it's gonna end like this. We never can agree on hanging out. So annoying!
 
 I think a lot lately. Ok, not just lately, I usually think and plan too much. But I WANT it to come to an end. Right after holiday. And maybe even during it. To be honest - I feel nothing. I don't even enjoy it anymore. It was fun. But it's not anymore. We can don't talk for couple of days (like right now - it's third day since I have no sign from him), don't hang out for over a week and don't miss each other. And we supposed to be in the biggest insanity right now - on the beggining. But we're not. And I don't feel any kind of sorrow. I suppose I'll feel relief when I would tell him "It was fun but holiday is over and so are we". 

 Baccalaureate, I'M COMING!

 

Just stay with me, cause I can't walk alone.

am I too lost to be saved?

 Who am I trying to fool? It hurt me. It hurt like fuck. That's why I did all of theese. I just wanted it to be different than before. 
 I'm a fuck up. I'm a fucking wreck. I'm trying to fight it, but it's getting harder every day. This holiday is my break. I need this break. I need to be someone else. Anyone but me. Like on the stage. Life is a stage, isn't it? I acted like I didn't care. And I didn't. For a while. It was... magical. Not like every day before. It helped me realise few things. 
 First - I still have an ability to throw it all away. I can just... expulse it. 
 Second - I really can act. I can pretend to be someone else and no one realises that's not real me. I don't like to lie, but it wasn't really a lie. I just acted. 
 Third - I don't wanna be like that. I don't wanna have all that things - money, fashionable clothes, boyfriend just because everybody else has. No, I wanna be me. I wanna live my life. My life is in my hands. 
 I'll do anything it takes to make my dreams come true. I dream about London. The truth is - all I have to do is to end studies here, gain money for travel and try. I'll be the brave one!

implicitly

 Oh, FUCK IT!
It's ok guys, I love you anyway. Thanks for all you've done, you gave me so much happiness lately ♥

 Everyday is a battle. I feel like I've lost again. I know it'll probably change with time. But it's ok to loose battles as far as you're winning the war. And I'm still into this game.

let my mind get off

 Thanks to this Olympic Games I don't have to think about real things. Yeah, OG are real too, but... I really feel like I'm a part of it. I'm Polish. I'm so proud of Polish sportsmen. Magda Fularczyk & Julia Michalska, Adrian Zieliński, Tomasz Majewski, Przemysław Miarczyński, Zofia Noceti-Klepacka, Sylwia Bogacka, Damian Janikowski... It's a lot in my opinion. I still believe that Anita Włodarczyk and Polish National Volleyball Team will get gold medals too. Esspecially PNVT, to be honest. I literally love them. All of them. 
 Andy Murray. I cried after his semi-final. Cause I knew that meant that... he's got a medal. But I couldn't speak after the final. I was alone at home and I screamed so hardly. When he won I cried like a little baby. They gave me so much happiness. 

Tomorrow I'll become a blood donor. I'm scared a little, cause when I was young I easily fainted after blood samples. But I really wanna do this. It has to be amazing feeling - knowing that part of you can save someone's life. 

 I want my driving licence! NOW!

loony arrow

 Czasem zastanawiam się, czy tylko ja jestem na tyle pojebana, by faktycznie to wszystko odczuwać, jako fizyczny ból. Wszystko mnie boli. Wszystko. Chyba po raz pierwszy, siedzenie w domu nie pomaga. Zawsze lubiłam, szczególnie w takim nastroju, posiedzieć sama w domu, zaciągnąć rolety, posłuchać muzyki i dużo myśleć. Teraz nie mogę. Od myślenia boli mnie głowa. Od czucia serce. A od tego, że staram się powstrzymać i jedno i drugie, boli cała reszta. 
 Nigdy nie odezwę się pierwsza. Właściwie to nie wiem skąd mi się to wzięło, ale mam wrażenie, że się narzucam. Że ta druga osoba już mnie nie chce. Czuję się tak niepewnie, że jeszcze bardziej miesza mi to w głowie. Nie wiem co źle zrobiłam, powiedziałam... Nie chcę się nad tym zastanawiać. Przecież sama siebie przekonuję, że to nie ma dla mnie znaczenia. Ale za szybko się oswajam. A gdy już się oswoję, nie potrafię wyzbyć się przywiązania do tego, kto mnie oswoił. Jestem w stanie zrobić wszystko dla swoich bliskich, choć pewnie większość z nich nie zdaje sobie z tego sprawy. 
 Cała się trzęsę. 


 Obiecałam sobie, że te wakacje nie będą takie, jak wszystkie poprzednie. I nie są. A może raczej - nie były. Niczego nie żałuję. Oprócz tego, że zawsze muszę spaść w połowie drogi na szczyt. Nawet nie wiem, jak tam jest. Nigdy tam nie byłam i znów czuję, że nigdy nie dojdę. Mimo swojej niezależności i aspołeczności, nie potrafię kroczyć sama. Potrzebuję kogoś, żeby mnie trzymał za rękę, a gdy upadnę, pomógł wstać. 
 Upadłam. Wiedziałam, że muszę się nauczyć prosić o pomoc, ale się nie nauczyłam. Teraz jest za późno.

***

 Sometimes I wonder if I'm the only one who is so fucked up to feel all of this as physical pain. Everything hurts. Everything. I guess that's the first time when sitting at home doesn't help. I've always liked, esspecially in mood like that, to sit alone at home, draw the blinds, listen to music and think a lot. Now I just can't. My head hurts from thinking. My heart hurts from feeling. And everything else because I'm trying to stop both.

 I never talk first. I don't really know why, but I feel like I'm bothering. Like this second person doesn't want me anymore. I feel so fucking insecure that is fucking me up even more than I already am! I don't know what did I do or say wrong... I don't wanna think about it. I'm trying to convince myself that I don't care. But I get familiar too fast. And when I feel familiar to someone I can't get rid of affection to this person. I'm ready to do anything for people that I love but I'm quite sure that most of them have no idea about it. 

 I'm all shaking.

 I promised myself that this vacation wouldn't be like all the previous. And it's not. And maybe - it wasn't. I regret nothing. Except the fact that I always have to fall in the halfway to reach the top. I don't even know how is there. I've never been there and again I feel like I never will. Despite my independence and asociality I can't walk alone. I need someone to hold my hand and pick me up when I fall. 

 I fell. I knew I have to learn how to ask for help, but I didn't. Now it's too late.

hide my pride

 Tęsknię. Sama się przed sobą nie chcę do tego przyznać. Ale muszę. Ale to nie moja kolej na wykonanie kroku. Mam dość robienia za naiwną idiotkę. 


 2 razy płakałam dzisiaj ze szczęścia. Kiedy kończył się 2 set meczu Murray vs. Djoković, myślałam, że zwymiotuję na biurko. Kiedy wygrał, popłakałam się jak małe dziecko. Bo to znaczy, że ma już medal. Srebrny lub złoty, ale już go ma. Och Andy! ♥
 Kiedy wracałam do domu, w radiu usłyszałam, że Fularczyk i Michalska zdobyły brązowy medal. Przyznaję, nie znałam całej historii choroby Magdy. Cieszyłam się, oczywiście, ale kiedy przeczytałam o tym, co się z nią działo, aż mnie ścisnęło za serce. Potem zaciekła walka Zielińskiego. Kiedy stanął na podium i usłyszałam hymn, Mazurka Dąbrowskiego, znowu się popłakałam. No i Majewski - obrona tytułu Mistrza Olimpijskiego... Sport tak wiele dla mnie znaczy. W dni takie, jak dzisiaj, kiedy nie mam do kogo otworzyć buzi, jest najważniejszy. Przynajmniej w snach panuje radość.

***

 I miss. I don't wanna admit it to myself. But I have to. But it's not my turn to take a step. I'm done with making such a naive fool of myself. 

 I cried from happiness 2 times today. When 2nd set of Murray vs. Djoković match was getting to an end, I felt like I was about to puke on my desk. When he won, I bursted into tears like little child. Cause it means he's already got a medal. Silver or gold, but he has it.Och Andy! ♥

 When I was on my way home I heard on the radio that Fularczyk and Michalska won a bronze medal. I admit I didn't know about Magda's sickness. I was glad, of course, but when I read about what was happening to her, I got this feeling of squeeze in my heart. Then hard fight of Zieliński. When he standed on the podium and I heard national anthem, Mazurek Dąbrowskiego, I cried again. And Majewski - defense the title of Olympic Master... Sport means so much to me. In days like today, when I don't even have anybody to talk to, it's the most important. At least there's happiness in dreams. 

she was fat and liked to look into sky

 Czasem jeszcze czuję jego zapach. Ale już nie rozglądam się dookoła, by sprawdzić, czy faktycznie gdzieś tam jest. Już nie chcę wiedzieć.
 Nie jestem pewna. I myślę, że na dobrą sprawę nigdy nie będę. Ale Kinga ma rację. Cieszę się tym. I tyle mi wystarczy.

 ***

 Sometimes I can feel his scent. But I don't look around to check if he's somewhere around anymore. I don't wanna know anymore.

 I'm not sure. And I think I'll never really be. But Kinga's right. I'm glad about it. And that's enough for me.