love

 Eating was hard. I needed even to starve myself in order to feel the taste again and also to be able to enjoy same action of eating. Praying was even harder. Not because I don't have God. That's the thing that I'm glad of - I realized I haven't lost my faith, I abandoned it and I feel really good about that one. I don't want a God who can stop all the pain, sickness and war on Earth (because, he's supposed to be almighty, right?) but he simply doesn't. Like... WHAT THE FUCK? You created us and now you're just sitting up there watching us killing one another? Yeah, how fun is that? No, I don't want that kind of God. Praying was hard because I didn't try very hard. I didn't know where to start. I don't have the patience to sit and try to find that peace of mind, which will allow me to meditate. And somewhere along the way I just stopped searching for a way to pray. I forgot about it and then it found me. It was all around me. Fall came and it was just so beautiful. I started feeling how love fills my chest and I didn't know what to do with it, because it was so new to me. So I just kept looking at everything and loving the nature and weather. And the nature itself taught me how to accept all the beauty I can see and appreaciate the love I can feel from it.

 So now, the last phase - love. How do I come to that? I got stuck. I tried so many times with so many different people and I never succ... Well... haven't I? Okay, my relationships (more attempts to have a relationship than relationship themselves) were total failures, but... I've got some bounds. I've got friends. About 4, but it's something. Maybe the number is not high, but the quality of them is really surprising. I've got also quite good relations among my closest family, and THAT's an achievement, because it was really hard as fuck. And I realized, again, that I'm searching for love in the wrong place. I was trying to find some kind of permission from others, I believed that once somebody loves me, I can love myself as well. And I was so, soooo wrong. FIRST I need to love myself in order to let others love me too. And you know what? I do.

I do love myself.

pray

 So, eating turned out not to be so easy as I thought it would.

It wasn't bad. It could have been satisfying or at least contenting, but somehow I always find holding myself from rejoicing. Eating is definitely my thing. I could eat all day, but I guess, when you eat non stop, eventually the time when you don't feel the taste anymore will come. And so it did. I'm sick of examining my thoughts on every step of my life. My head has been overloaded for so damn long time. When I was in a secondary school I used to switch off. There was just blackness in my head and it was SO DAMN NICE. Yes, just nice. That for one fucking minute I didn't have to think about anything. I tend to overthink everything. I'm trying to fight it but as much as I consider myself as an independent person I've always been dependent on someone or something. Against my will and my conviction.

 So here and now. Not from next month, not from tomorrow, not ever from next hour. From right now - I'm clearing my head. I'll let there be the water. I might sound a bit crazy, but have you ever tried meditation? When you're not used to not thinking, it's so unbelievably hard to not think about anything. It seems impossible! I've always tried to imagine water flowing through my mind whenever I wanted to cool my head.

So I'm gonna try find answers. Within me. But first, I'm gonna find all that questions I have.

eat

 Okay, so here I am, trying to be... what? What exactly? Happy? Content? Joyful? Maybe even everything at once. I'm learning. Just learning. I am learning how to take full spoons, how to not be afraid to choke on them. One particular question, everyday - What will make me happy today? Answer it frankly and... follow. Let's see where it'll lead me.

 I irritate myself so much, oh my god. One day I'm gonna throw myself out of the window, I swear.

 I'm always in two mental states at once and I don't know how to get of out that pathetic situation. The worst thing is, that I've been trasforming for such a long time and I still have no idea if the problem is my attitude, my head or my heart. It's different than ever before but I guess I know how it'll end.

ohmygodohmygodohmygod, WHY AM I SO STRESSED?

I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm being thrown into the deep end, I DON'T KNOW THAT CITY, what if I'm gonna be late? what if they tell me to go somewhere else than this one particular place? what if I won't be able to do everything they want me to do not only because of my own fault? Bad timing, guys. BAD TIMING.

But hey, we never get to choose it, right? I'm doing this again. I'm anxious instead of being excited.
I mean, maybe that's not the top of my ambition, but at least something is happening in my life. Something cool (probably). I'm gonna have something to tell about to my children and grandchildren. Or at least remind myself. Why do I have to constantly convince myself that I actually can have some fun?

Keep your fingers crossed!

xx

birthshit

 I hate my music player. And I hate myself for that I can't push the stop button. I was really excited about this party. And now I feel so sad. Because it shouldn't look like this. It shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't feel like this. Oh my god, I hate birthdays so much. That's why I wanted to celebrate "the last day of my youth". All I wanna do now is lay on the floor and cry.

it's never like in the movies. is it?

I can't stand my own company. Can someone replace me, please?

fucking fuck.

Oh jesus, I love it so much. When I don't expect it at all and find something that fits me so well. I don't like that kind of music to be honest, but I fell in love with Lorde!

She's a genius.

What do you want from me?

 You can't miss something that you never had.

Right?

Ok, it might have happened. Now what?

I still wonder if that really happened.

 I feel surprisingly... calm. And to me it feels quite close to happy. I'm not trying to deal with my past. I'm trying to take care of my future. I don't know where I'm going and I constanly feel like something's missing, but... at least I keep going.

 This time will be different. I promised this to myself for a thousand times. But this time will be different. I feel it.

Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load

I'm too young to feel this old.

 Sometimes I see a movie like this, or read a book like this and for a little beautiful moment nothing matters. Thing that rolls my guts so much that I can't think about anything else for few hours or (when I'm lucky enough) even whole day. 
 It's not like I feel bad right now. At least I'm not miserable! I feel good with A. I like his arms. It's like... my favorite place in the world. And I like wasting time with him. I like that I don't have to talk. Because he knows I don't like it. And basicly he just knows me. Most of my flaws. And despite all of them, he still likes me. And even... even loves. Yes, I think he really does. And I like many, many things of him and our relationship. I just... I guess I'm still afraid of being happy. I was before and I can't forget what happened. How easily everything got fucked up. How in one moment I was so utterly happy I could almost fly and right in the next one I was so fucking broken I couldn't get up from bed. Again. I know that probably I'm not right. That if I would be less happy later (perchance) it would hurt less. I know this doesn't work that way. I just can't change it. Not now. And maybe I am a little bit miserable because I know it's not fair. I'm not fair. He deserves me to be happy with him. 

 I like doing nothing. I realised that even from this I can learn something new. And I can spend time on doing things I really like and don't have time usually. Like reading books or watching 5 movies in a row. US Open is coming up and I'll be able to watch it because I can stay so late! Oh my god, sometimes I wonder how much my life sucks that I'm excited about fact that I can stay up late because I don't have to do simply anything in the following day... But well, at least I'm really happy for those moments. I believe it's worth it. 

 Everything got fuck up. Like literally everything. High school, the only place where I felt like home came to an end, I 'finished' my therapy, I got kick out of 'my' group and my 'relationship' cracked into pieces. And so did I. 

 But after some time I realised that this is not the end of the world. None of it. And after all, end of high school was the worst thing. Because I know, I just know that I would never ever love such huge group of people like I loved my class. 

 I know that I'm stronger than that. I'm lazy, but I am strong. I have few days to figure out what I wanna study and then I would start everything again.

I woke up today and I realized - I'm Ted Mosby. I'm Ted fucking Mosby.

 It was so good. I were ok. I mean, I felt like crying a little bit during the ceremony on the assembly hall. But that was because those girls are so talented! Their voices gave me thrills and that was really touchy. And later, in class, I was moved that my gift have been welcomed so warmth. I gave them a collection of a words of wisdom - our teacher of physics from 1st and 2nd grade and they all were so glad about it! I was given hugs and they told me that that was the best idea I could get. I am so glad I did it! Later my tutor had a speech, but I don't like her and I guess she doesn't like me either so I wasn't moved at all. 
 But then, all my group (half a class - 17 people) went to my English teacher. We gave her flowers, bracelet and chocolate. She kissed us all and when she was kissing Kinga, Kinga bursted into tears. She came to her once again and she hugged her. Then she turned and moved to the staff room. But when she was next to me, my class president called her. When she turned to us, her eyes were wet. And I felt like this is really over. That's it. I would never ever have lessons with her again. And I cried. And every other girl cried. And I'm crying even now. 
 We went to the rest room and I burst into tears like a little baby. Really. I was in spasms. And I couldn't stop it. That was first school, first class that made me WANTED go to school. I loved them. Of course, not all of them. But they really became my family. You don't like each member of your family either. I looked at them today and I thought to myself that I really felt like home in school. For the first and last time. That was the best 3 years od my life. I changed so much. From depressed, alone, closed and distant I became nice, warm and happy. It's not only about the therapy. Whole high school was my therapy. I would miss it SO MUCH. 

I am both happy and sad at the same time and I'm still trying to figure out how that can be.

stop analising you stupid fuck

 First I thought positively - that two hours is always more than none. But then... I know it's just stupid caption on a wall. I know. And I know that he is not the one who was drunk today. And I'm a little... insecure. But I will be happy of this. Of all he said today. Of all this time today.

I will be happy.

the sound of silence

 Hello Darkness, my old friend. I've come to talk to you again, because a vision softly creeping left its seeds while I was sleeping and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains within the sound of silence.

 In restless dreams I walked alone. Narrow streets of cobblestone, 'neath the halo of a street lamp I turned my collar to the cold and damp. When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of a neon light that split the night and touched the sound of silence.

 And in the naked light I saw ten thousand people, maybe more... People talking without speaking, people hearing without listening, people writing songs that voices never share... And no one dared disturb the sound of silence.

 'Fools', said I. 'You don't know silence like a cancer grows. Hear my words that I might teach you, take my arms that I might reach you'. But my words like silent raindrops fell and echoed in the wells of silence.

 And the people bowed and prayed to the neon god they made. And the sing flashed out its warning in the words that it was forming. And the sign said 'The words of prophets are written on the subway walls and tenement halls'. And whisper'd in the sounds of silence.