I irritate myself so much, oh my god. One day I'm gonna throw myself out of the window, I swear.

 I'm always in two mental states at once and I don't know how to get of out that pathetic situation. The worst thing is, that I've been trasforming for such a long time and I still have no idea if the problem is my attitude, my head or my heart. It's different than ever before but I guess I know how it'll end.

ohmygodohmygodohmygod, WHY AM I SO STRESSED?

I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm being thrown into the deep end, I DON'T KNOW THAT CITY, what if I'm gonna be late? what if they tell me to go somewhere else than this one particular place? what if I won't be able to do everything they want me to do not only because of my own fault? Bad timing, guys. BAD TIMING.

But hey, we never get to choose it, right? I'm doing this again. I'm anxious instead of being excited.
I mean, maybe that's not the top of my ambition, but at least something is happening in my life. Something cool (probably). I'm gonna have something to tell about to my children and grandchildren. Or at least remind myself. Why do I have to constantly convince myself that I actually can have some fun?

Keep your fingers crossed!

xx

birthshit

 I hate my music player. And I hate myself for that I can't push the stop button. I was really excited about this party. And now I feel so sad. Because it shouldn't look like this. It shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't feel like this. Oh my god, I hate birthdays so much. That's why I wanted to celebrate "the last day of my youth". All I wanna do now is lay on the floor and cry.

it's never like in the movies. is it?

I can't stand my own company. Can someone replace me, please?

fucking fuck.

Oh jesus, I love it so much. When I don't expect it at all and find something that fits me so well. I don't like that kind of music to be honest, but I fell in love with Lorde!

She's a genius.

What do you want from me?

 You can't miss something that you never had.

Right?

Ok, it might have happened. Now what?

I still wonder if that really happened.

 I feel surprisingly... calm. And to me it feels quite close to happy. I'm not trying to deal with my past. I'm trying to take care of my future. I don't know where I'm going and I constanly feel like something's missing, but... at least I keep going.

 This time will be different. I promised this to myself for a thousand times. But this time will be different. I feel it.

Jesus don't love me, no one ever carried my load

I'm too young to feel this old.

 Sometimes I see a movie like this, or read a book like this and for a little beautiful moment nothing matters. Thing that rolls my guts so much that I can't think about anything else for few hours or (when I'm lucky enough) even whole day. 
 It's not like I feel bad right now. At least I'm not miserable! I feel good with A. I like his arms. It's like... my favorite place in the world. And I like wasting time with him. I like that I don't have to talk. Because he knows I don't like it. And basicly he just knows me. Most of my flaws. And despite all of them, he still likes me. And even... even loves. Yes, I think he really does. And I like many, many things of him and our relationship. I just... I guess I'm still afraid of being happy. I was before and I can't forget what happened. How easily everything got fucked up. How in one moment I was so utterly happy I could almost fly and right in the next one I was so fucking broken I couldn't get up from bed. Again. I know that probably I'm not right. That if I would be less happy later (perchance) it would hurt less. I know this doesn't work that way. I just can't change it. Not now. And maybe I am a little bit miserable because I know it's not fair. I'm not fair. He deserves me to be happy with him. 

 I like doing nothing. I realised that even from this I can learn something new. And I can spend time on doing things I really like and don't have time usually. Like reading books or watching 5 movies in a row. US Open is coming up and I'll be able to watch it because I can stay so late! Oh my god, sometimes I wonder how much my life sucks that I'm excited about fact that I can stay up late because I don't have to do simply anything in the following day... But well, at least I'm really happy for those moments. I believe it's worth it. 

 Everything got fuck up. Like literally everything. High school, the only place where I felt like home came to an end, I 'finished' my therapy, I got kick out of 'my' group and my 'relationship' cracked into pieces. And so did I. 

 But after some time I realised that this is not the end of the world. None of it. And after all, end of high school was the worst thing. Because I know, I just know that I would never ever love such huge group of people like I loved my class. 

 I know that I'm stronger than that. I'm lazy, but I am strong. I have few days to figure out what I wanna study and then I would start everything again.