life is suffer

 why can't I be happy? for one fucking moment! why?

fuck my life

 fuck fuck fuck fucking fuck. FUCK MY LIFE.

what if

 What if one day I state that I really did nothing of all the things I wanted to do? Mrs. D. says that if I wanna look at my life only in the aspect of successes like winning competitions I have lot more achievements than her. But what about all the rest? What about me in the aspect of MYSELF. I do underestimate things I have. I have a great friend. The best one. Even though we are totally different and sometimes we can drive each other crazy, I love her to death and I know she loves me back. I do have great mom and brother. I do have a few friends that I can count on. I have a dog that is always happy to see me. I have home, food, school. I just don't have strength to change my life. I don't have the strength to fight off my demons. To break the fear. The fear of abandonment. 

person I should have been

 This world I painted black
Just needs some color
And I’m gonna live my life like the other
Person I should have been

I ain’t tapping out, no no no no
To this dark and twisted dream
That’s kept me living
I pray to my soul
To keep this fire burning
And when it does
I’m gonna let it shine

I’ll make the best of this life I’ve got left
Got no time for no regrets
Gonna show you just what I can be
The person I should have been

And it might take time, take time
Cause this life has taken it right out of me, yeah
I wanna change my perspective of reality
Be a much better version of me
The person I should have been

I make the best of this life I’ve got left
I put my sincerity to the test
Wake up my senses finally
The water washes me clean

What shouldn’t have been has all been done
If I don’t get a grip
Then the world has won
Making me think that I’ll never be
The person I should have been

Who am I now?
A lonely man that’s fallen down
No I can’t change
The past, that time has all burned out
But I know somewhere inside of me
Is the person I could have been

Make the best of this life I’ve got left
I got no time for no regrets
Gonna show you just what I can be
The person I should have been

What shouldn’t have been has all been done
If I don’t get a grip
Then the world has won
Making me think that I’ll never be
The person I could have been

I said the person, person I could have been
Said the person, person I could have been
The person I could have been
I said the person, person I could have been

The person I could have been

HOW THE FUCK CAN HE BE SINGING MY LIFE?!

a whole life in my hands

 I was coming back from school yesterday. I got into the same bus as usual and after some time I noticed that there's a little bullfinch inside. He was so scared... Two guys got into the bus and one of them catched him. I thought that he would wait until the bus stop and he would let him go, but he just showed him to his friend and let him go at the bus again. Such an idiot. He flew to me. But I'm so fucking clumsy I wasn't able to catch him. He get away from me. I felt like it was my another failure. I decided that I won't get outside without him. One before last bus stop I went at the end of the bus and asked the girl if he was there. She said 'Yes, but I don't know if he would let you catch him". I tried. I was SO afraid I would hurt him. I had to press him a little to the window, but I managed to catch him. He was lying in my hands with no move. He had his eyes opened and I could feel his heart beating through my gloves. I thought 'I'm holding his whole life in my hands". I got outside and open my hands. He didn't want to go away. He trusted me. I knew I had to let him go. It's his nature - to be free. It shrugged me so much I was shaking all the way home.

A whole life in my hands.