love

 Eating was hard. I needed even to starve myself in order to feel the taste again and also to be able to enjoy same action of eating. Praying was even harder. Not because I don't have God. That's the thing that I'm glad of - I realized I haven't lost my faith, I abandoned it and I feel really good about that one. I don't want a God who can stop all the pain, sickness and war on Earth (because, he's supposed to be almighty, right?) but he simply doesn't. Like... WHAT THE FUCK? You created us and now you're just sitting up there watching us killing one another? Yeah, how fun is that? No, I don't want that kind of God. Praying was hard because I didn't try very hard. I didn't know where to start. I don't have the patience to sit and try to find that peace of mind, which will allow me to meditate. And somewhere along the way I just stopped searching for a way to pray. I forgot about it and then it found me. It was all around me. Fall came and it was just so beautiful. I started feeling how love fills my chest and I didn't know what to do with it, because it was so new to me. So I just kept looking at everything and loving the nature and weather. And the nature itself taught me how to accept all the beauty I can see and appreaciate the love I can feel from it.

 So now, the last phase - love. How do I come to that? I got stuck. I tried so many times with so many different people and I never succ... Well... haven't I? Okay, my relationships (more attempts to have a relationship than relationship themselves) were total failures, but... I've got some bounds. I've got friends. About 4, but it's something. Maybe the number is not high, but the quality of them is really surprising. I've got also quite good relations among my closest family, and THAT's an achievement, because it was really hard as fuck. And I realized, again, that I'm searching for love in the wrong place. I was trying to find some kind of permission from others, I believed that once somebody loves me, I can love myself as well. And I was so, soooo wrong. FIRST I need to love myself in order to let others love me too. And you know what? I do.

I do love myself.

pray

 So, eating turned out not to be so easy as I thought it would.

It wasn't bad. It could have been satisfying or at least contenting, but somehow I always find holding myself from rejoicing. Eating is definitely my thing. I could eat all day, but I guess, when you eat non stop, eventually the time when you don't feel the taste anymore will come. And so it did. I'm sick of examining my thoughts on every step of my life. My head has been overloaded for so damn long time. When I was in a secondary school I used to switch off. There was just blackness in my head and it was SO DAMN NICE. Yes, just nice. That for one fucking minute I didn't have to think about anything. I tend to overthink everything. I'm trying to fight it but as much as I consider myself as an independent person I've always been dependent on someone or something. Against my will and my conviction.

 So here and now. Not from next month, not from tomorrow, not ever from next hour. From right now - I'm clearing my head. I'll let there be the water. I might sound a bit crazy, but have you ever tried meditation? When you're not used to not thinking, it's so unbelievably hard to not think about anything. It seems impossible! I've always tried to imagine water flowing through my mind whenever I wanted to cool my head.

So I'm gonna try find answers. Within me. But first, I'm gonna find all that questions I have.

eat

 Okay, so here I am, trying to be... what? What exactly? Happy? Content? Joyful? Maybe even everything at once. I'm learning. Just learning. I am learning how to take full spoons, how to not be afraid to choke on them. One particular question, everyday - What will make me happy today? Answer it frankly and... follow. Let's see where it'll lead me.

 I irritate myself so much, oh my god. One day I'm gonna throw myself out of the window, I swear.

 I'm always in two mental states at once and I don't know how to get of out that pathetic situation. The worst thing is, that I've been trasforming for such a long time and I still have no idea if the problem is my attitude, my head or my heart. It's different than ever before but I guess I know how it'll end.

ohmygodohmygodohmygod, WHY AM I SO STRESSED?

I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm being thrown into the deep end, I DON'T KNOW THAT CITY, what if I'm gonna be late? what if they tell me to go somewhere else than this one particular place? what if I won't be able to do everything they want me to do not only because of my own fault? Bad timing, guys. BAD TIMING.

But hey, we never get to choose it, right? I'm doing this again. I'm anxious instead of being excited.
I mean, maybe that's not the top of my ambition, but at least something is happening in my life. Something cool (probably). I'm gonna have something to tell about to my children and grandchildren. Or at least remind myself. Why do I have to constantly convince myself that I actually can have some fun?

Keep your fingers crossed!

xx

birthshit

 I hate my music player. And I hate myself for that I can't push the stop button. I was really excited about this party. And now I feel so sad. Because it shouldn't look like this. It shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't feel like this. Oh my god, I hate birthdays so much. That's why I wanted to celebrate "the last day of my youth". All I wanna do now is lay on the floor and cry.

it's never like in the movies. is it?

I can't stand my own company. Can someone replace me, please?

fucking fuck.

Oh jesus, I love it so much. When I don't expect it at all and find something that fits me so well. I don't like that kind of music to be honest, but I fell in love with Lorde!

She's a genius.

What do you want from me?

 You can't miss something that you never had.

Right?

Ok, it might have happened. Now what?

I still wonder if that really happened.