Eating was hard. I needed even to starve myself in order to feel the taste again and also to be able to enjoy same action of eating. Praying was even harder. Not because I don't have God. That's the thing that I'm glad of - I realized I haven't lost my faith, I abandoned it and I feel really good about that one. I don't want a God who can stop all the pain, sickness and war on Earth (because, he's supposed to be almighty, right?) but he simply doesn't. Like... WHAT THE FUCK? You created us and now you're just sitting up there watching us killing one another? Yeah, how fun is that? No, I don't want that kind of God. Praying was hard because I didn't try very hard. I didn't know where to start. I don't have the patience to sit and try to find that peace of mind, which will allow me to meditate. And somewhere along the way I just stopped searching for a way to pray. I forgot about it and then it found me. It was all around me. Fall came and it was just so beautiful. I started feeling how love fills my chest and I didn't know what to do with it, because it was so new to me. So I just kept looking at everything and loving the nature and weather. And the nature itself taught me how to accept all the beauty I can see and appreaciate the love I can feel from it.
So now, the last phase - love. How do I come to that? I got stuck. I tried so many times with so many different people and I never succ... Well... haven't I? Okay, my relationships (more attempts to have a relationship than relationship themselves) were total failures, but... I've got some bounds. I've got friends. About 4, but it's something. Maybe the number is not high, but the quality of them is really surprising. I've got also quite good relations among my closest family, and THAT's an achievement, because it was really hard as fuck. And I realized, again, that I'm searching for love in the wrong place. I was trying to find some kind of permission from others, I believed that once somebody loves me, I can love myself as well. And I was so, soooo wrong. FIRST I need to love myself in order to let others love me too. And you know what? I do.
I do love myself.
